The Longest Paths Require The Most Sacrifice

Thinking about what my first blog should be about, I decided to get the most painful part of my story out of the way, right out the gate!

It's something most women don't talk about because there's a lot of shame tied to it. Abortion is judged so harshly in our society without any understanding of the circumstances. Women are condemned when they speak about their choice.

I'm pro-life, but after my experience, all I have for those who are pro-choice...is compassion. I believe God uses everything for His good. This brings me here.

In December of '09, I felt a soul leave my body. When I entered the clinic, it felt cold and indifferent. I remember reading a sign that said "If you feel you were threatened into coming here, please speak up." How do you speak up, when your abuser is outside in the waiting room?

My abuser was my son's dad. I made the decision to leave him in March of 2009. I will share more on my personal testimony on abuse, later. I'm sure a lot of you have never heard of Narcissistic Abuse, and if you'd like more education on it and the trauma bonds it creates, I strongly recommend looking up Tonia Evans for knowledge https://www.melanietoniaevans.com/.

After I left, I was addicted to abuse. Completely lost and broken. I jumped right into another, unhealthy relationship and 6 months later, I got pregnant with this man. I was so scared and I did what I was familiar with. I ran to my security blanket. The man who groomed me, degraded me, and comforted me when I was at my lowest. That's all I knew since I was 16 years old. Ten years with an abusive and violent man takes a toll on your mental health. I wasn't in a good place.

When I told him I was pregnant, he told me I had to get rid of it. When I told him "no", things escalated quickly. He sounded demonic over the phone. I was hiding out, frozen in fear. He SCREAMED "GET rid of it or I'll kill you, him AND myself. When I said: "what about our son!?" He said: "I'll kill him TOO!" He had a gun ready to do it. I remember calling his best friend to try and talk some sense into him. His best friend called me back and said "I can't stop him, Rachael. If you don't do this, he's serious." So I called him and told him "I'll do it, just PLEASE don't hurt anyone."

I got back with my ex in an attempt to "save our family." In my mind, I was sacrificing one life, to save others. And maybe I did? I'll never know...

I'll never forget what he said after I had the procedure done. I was sobbing! It was the most soul-shattering experience of my entire life. He said: "you wouldn't have had to do that if you had kept your legs shut." I threw up and couldn't control my bowels on the drive home. It was humiliating and painful. You wanna know what the hardest part was? Taking my 8-year-old to celebrate his 9th birthday at the movies the same day. I couldn't sit through the movie, as I kept having to run to the bathroom. I'd SOB every time I went to the bathroom. I'd wipe my tears and go back to my seat as if nothing was wrong. If I showed regret, I would most definitely pay for it later. I remember him smiling at me during the movie, pointing to our son, and saying "this is who you did it for." As if that was supposed to make me feel better?

The MIND F*CK this had on me is beyond explainable. I felt worthless. I felt completely numb. I wanted to end my life. I had plans to move across the country with this guy, but I wanted to die. I wrote my suicide letter and I laid my body across the train tracks.

When I saw the lights from the train and felt the vibration on the tracks...my life didn't flash before my eyes. What happened was 1000% divine! God flashed my SON'S life before my eyes and what it looked like without me in it! It was full of anger, violence, misery, confusion, and PAIN!! I SPRUNG up off those tracks SO FAST and hit my knees. I thanked God for showing me that. I've never wanted to end my life since then.

I hid my abortion for 10 YEARS! I moved on from my abuser, I got baptized, and I even served on a woman's ministry team. No ONE KNEW the amount of shame that I carried around with me, for YEARS. That was MY secret that NO one was EVER going to find out about.

Until one day, I felt pushed to go to the alter. I remember kneeling as a woman prayed with me. I could not get the words out. I was trembling. I thought abortion was an unforgivable sin! Once I confessed to her what I had done...she told me to ask Jesus for forgiveness. I couldn't do it. I said: "I CAN'T! I'M NOT WORTHY!!" She ministered to me, telling me all about the love of Christ. I had to repeat after her, a prayer of forgiveness. I meant the words when I spoke them. Our words are POWERFUL! And once I did...it was like a chain had been cut off my ankle and an elephant was lifted from my chest! I had been dragging around a HUGE BOULDER of shame for 10 years! When I laid it at the cross, I heard Jesus tell me "I forgive you. Satan CAN NOT HAVE YOU, because I DIED FOR YOU!" At that moment, a love FILLED ME, unmatchable. I was set free that day.

Was it still my choice? Yes. If I could go back and do things differently, would I? Yes. But the ME then was not the ME now. I'm stronger now, BECAUSE OF it.

Ironically, I was going to name that baby "Journey." It's ironic because, as I was thinking of what to name my up-and-coming Salon, "Journey" crossed my mind. I asked myself what that name means to me. How can I honor that name? And it came to me! That's when I felt God speak to me...My life has come to a complete FULL CIRCLE. I finally realized what my purpose in this world is! To help other women see how truly valuable they are!

Life is definitely a journey. It's full of highs and lows. We can either allow the lows to define us, or we can surrender them to the Lord, who can turn them into something beautiful!

You're never too far gone. There is no unforgivable sin.

Jesus paid the price and He has a hopeful future waiting for you. You just need to say YES, so He can show you your "Full Circle", in your own unique STYLE! ♡

Rachael's Pregnancy Pic